“Sometimes it takes a heartbreak to shake us awake & help us see we are worth so much more than we’re settling for.”

― Mandy Hale, The Single Woman: Life, Love, and a Dash of Sass

If I could have peered into the future, I would have changed a few circumstances in my life. First of all, after my high school graduation, I would have remained in California and lived with my grandmother. We missed each other so much. Colorado could have waited. My grandmother, my rock, the one person who always believed in me, died four years after I graduated from high school. More than anything, I have wished to turn back the years and spend that time with my grandmother.

During that time with my Grandma, I could have also attended the nearby community college and begun working on my teaching degree. Without a doubt, I would have been better prepared for my future. 

After graduation, I was a mess, and I literally ran away from home to escape the chaos of my parent’s divorce. I felt I was in a constant tug of war as my parents raged with one another. So when my uncle asked me to go to Colorado that summer, I jumped at the chance. A few weeks before his offer, I had moved in with my grandmother, so I had planned on visiting for a few weeks and then returning. Still, that summer soothed my heartache, and I felt as if could breathe once more. Although I missed my younger brothers and of course my grandmother, it felt wonderful to be away from the drama and all the pain. 

So, two weeks of vacation turned into a lifetime. I stayed in Colorado and did not return to California until my grandmother died. I did get to see her before her death, for she made a few trips to Colorado to visit, and she attended my wedding. But it was not the same. I missed our quiet afternoons, playing Chinese Checkers, laughing, talking. I have longed for a do-over with more time spent with the woman I adored.

A few years after she died, my marriage began to crumble, but I hung in there for fifteen years. It felt as though I were kicking a dead horse. I wanted my daughter to have both parents, but in reality, I believe I made things harder by trying to save my marriage. My ex and I were young and dumb when we married, and we really had so little in common, besides our love for the outdoors. For a time, we enjoyed our Colorado playground, but in our everyday lives, our different ideas played havoc, and our dreams and hopes for the future often collided in too many unhappy moments. 

Eventually, he had an affair and that was the reality check I needed to finally separate myself from such a gloomy situation. Before our separation, I started college; he hated the idea although that had always been the plan. When our daughter was older, I would go to school. But he wanted me to be a stay-at-home wife and mother; he suggested that I felt he could not support our family. He could not understand my need and desire to teach. With every turn, he tried to sabotage my education, trying to force me to quit. Those actions only reinforced my resolve. This stubborn lass made a promise to herself; I would get my degree.

When I discovered his affair, I was shocked and heartbroken. While we had our problems, I still loved him. Still, in time, I realized his affair had set me free. We were simply not right for one another. A few months after his indiscretion came to light, I transferred to a university to finish my degree, and my life changed in wonderful ways. For the first time in years, I felt a new sense of joy. I discovered my voice and found my path. I met people who encouraged me, and my confidence returned. 

Over the years, I have understood that sometimes, those pain-filled moments do open new doors and offer a better life path. And I know if my grandmother were still alive, my biggest cheerleader would be proud of the woman that I’ve become.