Month: January 2024

“Sometimes it takes a heartbreak to shake us awake & help us see we are worth so much more than we’re settling for.”

― Mandy Hale, The Single Woman: Life, Love, and a Dash of Sass

“Sometimes it takes a heartbreak to shake us awake & help us see we are worth so much more than we’re settling for.”

― Mandy Hale, The Single Woman: Life, Love, and a Dash of Sass

If I could have peered into the future, I would have changed one event in my life. After my high school graduation, I wish I had stayed in California and lived with my grandmother. We missed each other terribly, and Colorado could have waited. My grandmother, my rock, the one person who always believed in me, died four years after I graduated from high school. More than anything, I have wished to turn back the years and spend that time with my grandmother.

During that time with my Grandma, I could have attended the nearby community college and begun working on my teaching degree. I know I would have been better prepared and more grounded for my future. My grandmother would have provided a loving foundation to keep me on my path.

My senior year of high school, I was a mess. I felt I was in a constant tug-of-war as my parents battled with one another. Their separation and impending divorce left me feeling downcast and desperate for some peace. After graduation, I jumped at the chance when my uncle invited me to visit Colorado. A summer escape and adventure sounded like a wonderful way to clear my head and worries. A few weeks earlier, I had moved in with my grandmother, so I had planned to visit and then return home.

But that summer soothed my heartache, and I felt as if I could breathe once more. Although I missed my family, especially my grandmother, it felt wonderful to be away from the tension. Colorado soothed my spirit. The people, the mountains, and my job quietly restored my peace and hope that my life would change for the better. Leaving the struggles behind, I finally felt as if I could rest and relax. I breathed deeply, laughed often, and genuinely found contentment. Something I had been missing for a very long time. It was the perfect remedy for my unhappiness and uncertainty.

But two weeks of vacation slowly turned into a lifetime. I stayed in Colorado and did not return to California until my grandmother passed. She even made a few trips to Colorado to visit, and she attended my wedding, and I was grateful for those moments. But it was not the same. I missed our quiet afternoons, playing Chinese Checkers, laughing, talking. I have longed for a do-over with more time spent with the woman I adored.

A few years after she died, my marriage began to crumble, but I hung in there for fifteen years.  I wanted my daughter to have both parents, but in reality, I believe I made things harder by trying to save my marriage. My ex and I were young and naive when we married, and we really had so little in common, besides our love for the outdoors and our faith in God. For a time, we enjoyed our Colorado playground and church activities, but in our everyday lives, our different ideas played havoc, and our dreams and hopes for the future often collided in too many unhappy moments.  Every attempt he made to hold me back only strengthened my resolve. I promised myself I’d earn that degree.

Eventually, he had an affair, and that was the reality check I needed to finally separate myself from such a gloomy situation. Before our separation, I started college; he hated the idea, although that had always been the plan. When our daughter was older, I would go to school. But he resented it. He believed my aspiration doubted his ability to provide. It created even more distance between us. I found confidence, my voice, and people who supported me.

When I learned of his affair, I was hurt. But over time, I saw that his betrayal set me free in ways I could not have imagined. I soon transferred to the university, finished my degree, and began building a career and an exciting new life. I found confidence, my voice, and people who supported me.

Now, years later, I see how life’s most painful moments can gently guide us down paths we never would have chosen, shaping us in ways we could not have imagined. And somewhere in that knowing, I feel my grandmother still beside me, cheering me on, proud of the woman I’ve become.