If Only

Daily writing prompt
What could you do differently?

“Sometimes it takes a heartbreak to shake us awake & help us see we are worth so much more than we’re settling for.”


― Mandy Hale, The Single Woman: Life, Love, and a Dash of Sass

“Sometimes it takes a heartbreak to shake us awake & help us see we are worth so much more than we’re settling for.”

― Mandy Hale, The Single Woman: Life, Love, and a Dash of Sass

If I could have peered into the future, I would have changed one event in my life. After my high school graduation, I wish I had stayed in California and lived with my grandmother. We missed each other terribly, and Colorado could have waited. My grandmother, my rock, the one person who always believed in me, died four years after I graduated from high school. More than anything, I have wished to turn back the years and spend that time with my grandmother.

During that time with my Grandma, I could have attended the nearby community college and begun working on my teaching degree. I know I would have been better prepared and more grounded for my future. My grandmother would have provided a loving foundation to keep me on my path.

My senior year of high school, I was a mess. I felt I was in a constant tug-of-war as my parents battled with one another. Their separation and impending divorce left me feeling downcast and desperate for some peace. After graduation, I jumped at the chance when my uncle invited me to visit Colorado. A summer escape and adventure sounded like a wonderful way to clear my head and worries. A few weeks earlier, I had moved in with my grandmother, so I had planned to visit and then return home.

But that summer soothed my heartache, and I felt as if I could breathe once more. Although I missed my family, especially my grandmother, it felt wonderful to be away from the tension. Colorado soothed my spirit. The people, the mountains, and my job quietly restored my peace and hope that my life would change for the better. Leaving the struggles behind, I finally felt as if I could rest and relax. I breathed deeply, laughed often, and genuinely found contentment. Something I had been missing for a very long time. It was the perfect remedy for my unhappiness and uncertainty.

But two weeks of vacation slowly turned into a lifetime. I stayed in Colorado and did not return to California until my grandmother passed. She even made a few trips to Colorado to visit, and she attended my wedding, and I was grateful for those moments. But it was not the same. I missed our quiet afternoons, playing Chinese Checkers, laughing, talking. I have longed for a do-over with more time spent with the woman I adored.

A few years after she died, my marriage began to crumble, but I hung in there for fifteen years.  I wanted my daughter to have both parents, but in reality, I believe I made things harder by trying to save my marriage. My ex and I were young and naive when we married, and we really had so little in common, besides our love for the outdoors and our faith in God. For a time, we enjoyed our Colorado playground and church activities, but in our everyday lives, our different ideas played havoc, and our dreams and hopes for the future often collided in too many unhappy moments.  Every attempt he made to hold me back only strengthened my resolve. I promised myself I’d earn that degree.

Eventually, he had an affair, and that was the reality check I needed to finally separate myself from such a gloomy situation. Before our separation, I started college; he hated the idea, although that had always been the plan. When our daughter was older, I would go to school. But he resented it. He believed my aspiration doubted his ability to provide. It created even more distance between us. I found confidence, my voice, and people who supported me.

When I learned of his affair, I was hurt. But over time, I saw that his betrayal set me free in ways I could not have imagined. I soon transferred to the university, finished my degree, and began building a career and an exciting new life. I found confidence, my voice, and people who supported me.

Now, years later, I see how life’s most painful moments can gently guide us down paths we never would have chosen, shaping us in ways we could not have imagined. And somewhere in that knowing, I feel my grandmother still beside me, cheering me on, proud of the woman I’ve become.

Presently

Daily writing prompt
Do you spend more time thinking about the future or the past? Why?

Dare I say both? As I ponder about the past and my future, I seem to keep my feet planted somewhere in the middle. My thoughts play a gentle tug of war between yesterday and tomorrow.

As a storyteller and the keeper of family tales and adventures, I dig deep into the past. As I research, I lose myself in my ancestors’ stories. When their lives unfold, I marvel at their strength and persistence. This family line knows courage, overcoming obstacles that most could not even comprehend. The men and women in this family traveled to the New World and cleared a path in the wilderness. While many historical narratives often begin and end with men, I found remarkable women who blazoned their own trails and left a legacy of bold courage and undeniable tenacity. My grandmothers, my aunts, and my damsel cousins marched to their own beat. These spirited women unleashed the bounds that kept them tethered to a world where women lost their voices and freedoms. Often, I chuckle, as I discover their grit and their spunk. But it shouldn’t really surprise me, for, after all, the current female members carry that same DNA mettle. The women in this family lead with courage, compassion, and strength, and I am proud of my heritage.

As for tomorrow, I ponder all the new opportunities that await. As retirement closely looms, I wonder about my future. Will I ever finish my novel? Will I sub or teach humanities or creative writing at the community college? Will I explore the wonders of my home state? All those places I keep meaning “to get to one day.” I must admit it is exciting to know that some of the best days of my life are quietly waiting to unfold.

Well, for now, today’s demands harken. The laundry needs my attention and the bills need to be paid. And best of all the pups need some attention.

Photo by Dawid Zawiła on Unsplash

A Lifetime of Learning

Daily writing prompt
What colleges have you attended?

“A teacher’s job is to take a bunch of live wires and see that they are well-grounded.” –Darwin D. Martin

In my home state of Colorado, I have attended three colleges as I pursued my educational goals to become a teacher. In addition, I have taken so many additional courses during my career to keep up my teaching license. But most, I have enjoyed. I really do love learning! 

At the age of thirty-three, I decided to follow my dream of becoming a teacher. I attended a community college that was housed in a former prep school for boys. My classes looked out over green pastures with mountain views. Having the local “residents” peer into our classrooms was not unusual. This former city girl enjoyed the locals who called the grassy field home, and I sometimes found it hard to concentrate on lectures, especially when I spotted a sweet-faced calf in the mix.

After receiving my degree, I transferred to a nearby university. It was an amazing journey, and I felt at home while working on my English degree. I met some incredible people and found my voice as I started my writing journey so long ago. It was one of the best decisions I made. 

After teaching for the Department of Corrections for five years, I decided to find my way back to public schools and found a job as a sixth-grade language arts teacher. One year later, I enrolled in my graduate courses and received my master’s in culturally and linguistically diverse. The year I enrolled in my program, I discovered we had many students from other nations. We had students who spoke Russian, Chinese, Korean, Spanish, and a few Polish speakers too. The courses designed to help English language learners actually helped all of my students.

Now, as I move closer to retirement, I can honestly say that while teaching has been the most difficult job I have had, it has also been rewarding. I would do it all again.

“A teacher’s job is to take a bunch of live wires and see that they are well-grounded.” –Darwin D. Martin

My Muttley Crew

Daily writing prompt
Do you play in your daily life? What says “playtime” to you?

Any time spent with my pups is playtime. No matter how exhausted or stressed, my Muttley Crew never fails to make me smile. I enjoy their silly antics and how they love to cuddle. Each has such a huge personality for one so tiny. And this lively pair has wiggled their way into my heart. I can’t imagine life without my tiny posse.

The Mountains Are Calling

Daily writing prompt
Do lazy days make you feel rested or unproductive?

Driving toward our “Happy Place,” my two dachshunds yapped with excitement from the backseat. Max kept “talking,” letting out those dramatic shrieks of delight he’d made since puppyhood whenever he realized we were headed somewhere special—just like when he was little and knew we were going for a walk along the horse trails. Mitzi scooted to the back window of the HHR—also known as Honey’s Hot Ride—searching for the best view. From her perch, she stared intently at the rolling countryside rushing past us.

Maybe they were feeding off my energy, because I was just as excited.

It had been over a year since our last visit to my favorite little cabin in Beulah, tucked into the pines of southeastern Colorado. I needed mountain time. Autumn had begun to paint the hillsides, and I couldn’t wait to see the aspens glowing in their golden fall colors.

The drive from my home on the Colorado prairie to the mountains is short, but it always feels like entering another world. As we left the house and headed toward town, traffic slowed us down as the after-work crowd made their way home. 

When I booked the cabin, I’d planned to leave school, grab the pups and our gear, and make a run for the mountains the minute the last bell rang. But sometimes life rearranges our plans.

The weekend before our getaway, I caught a nasty bug. It was finals week at school, which meant extra grading, late hours, and students with last-minute questions. I pushed through it all, determined to have my grades posted before our trip.

By Wednesday evening, it was clear the cold had turned into a full-blown sinus infection. My throat burned, my head pounded, and I was running a fever.

I remember thinking, How in the world am I supposed to run away for the weekend like this?

Canceling wasn’t really an option. My reservation began the next evening, and it was too late to change it. So I FaceTimed the virtual doctor, who prescribed antibiotics and an inhaler and sent them to my local pharmacy. Unfortunately, the pharmacy had already closed for the night.

Grabbing my phone, I dialed the school’s sub-finder and silently prayed someone would pick up the job. After messaging my principal and finishing my plans, I crawled into bed.

Max and Mitzi immediately burrowed under the blankets, taking their duties as tiny bed warmers very seriously. Soon, I was fast asleep.

The next morning, I woke before my alarm. After tweaking my lesson plans to make them sub-friendly, I pulled on a faded pair of jeans and a soft lavender T-shirt.

When I stepped into the living room, Mitzi was waiting in her usual spot, perched like a princess on the overstuffed armchair. She always wanted one last cuddle before I left the house.

“Good morning, Stinkerbelle,” I whispered, scratching behind her ears.

A few minutes later, I grabbed my keys and headed to school to make final preparations for the substitute.

When my coworkers saw me, they immediately scolded me.

“What are you doing here?” one asked. “You look awful! Go home and rest.”

They were right. After finishing what I needed to do, I drove home and wondered whether the trip had been a mistake. My original plan had been to visit one of the mountain parks for a picnic and a short walk, but hiking was definitely out of the question.

Still, I reminded myself, I didn’t need to hike. I could sit on the porch with caramel pumpkin spice coffee, breathe the mountain air, and watch my Muttley Crew explore the pine forest.

Once home, I packed the car and waited for the pharmacy’s text saying my prescriptions were ready. While I waited, I curled up in bed and took a long nap.

Later that afternoon, after picking up my medicine, we finally headed toward the mountains. Even though I felt miserable, I couldn’t wait to arrive. And it turned out to be exactly the medicine I needed.

The mornings were frosty and quiet. I would wrap myself in a quilt, sip vanilla chai tea, and sit by the fire while listening to audiobooks or writing in my journal. Max and Mitzi took turns curling up beside me like small furry heating pads.

Through the big front window, I watched the sun slowly rise through the tall ponderosa pines. The aspens shimmered in brilliant shades of yellow and gold.

I remember sighing out loud one morning.

“Now this,” I said softly, “is exactly what I needed.” 

One morning, before we even climbed out of bed, something magical happened.

Soft movement outside the French doors caught the pups’ attention. Max’s ears perked. Mitzi lifted her head from the pillow.

Several curious deer stood just outside the glass, their dark eyes peering quietly into the bedroom. For a moment, we all simply stared at one another.

Then Max erupted into barking. Mitzi joined in immediately; her tiny voice full of fierce determination.

The deer sprang back in surprise and bounded away into the trees.

Max puffed out his chest like he had personally defended the cabin from intruders. Mitzi looked very pleased with herself. I couldn’t help laughing. “Good job, pups,” I told them.

In the afternoons, when the sun warmed the air, we spent our time outside in the yard. I stretched out in the sunshine listening to my audiobook; this fall, I had been enjoying Alice Hoffman’s Practical Magic series, while the pups explored the forest around the cabin.

Max’s hunting instincts were in full swing. He spent hours staring at one particular spot beneath the cabin, convinced some mysterious creature had taken up residence in the crawlspace. From the scratching we’d heard earlier drifting up through the floorboards, my little detective might have been onto something.

Mitzi wandered more slowly, stopping to sniff every pinecone and leaf she encountered. But she never strayed far. She was a mama’s girl who liked to keep me within sight.

Every evening about an hour before sunset, we gathered on the front porch.

The pups scampered across the yard, while I watched the fading light beam through the ponderosa pines. Across the road, a grassy field shimmered beneath a grove of aspens, their leaves trembling like golden coins in the breeze.

Beyond the field, the Wet Mountains rose quietly against the sky.

As the sun dipped lower, the peaks turned soft shades of amber and lavender. Pine shadows stretched across the hillsides, and the ridgelines faded into hazy blue silhouettes.

It was breathtaking.

Wild turkeys often wandered into the field at dusk, pecking through the grass for seeds and insects. Eventually their slow caravan marched up the driveway and across the yard, clucking softly as they searched for a few last morsels before disappearing behind the cabin to roost for the night.

Max would whine in frustration, desperate to chase them. Mitzi stood guard beside me, barking, her tiny warnings.

Those quiet evening rituals quickly became my favorite part of the day.

The mountains have a way of healing things that medicine cannot. Even though I spent much of the weekend sniffling and moving slowly, the peace of the forest, the warmth of the fire, and the steady companionship of my little dogs worked their quiet magic.

By the time Sunday arrived, I felt rested in a way that had nothing to do with sleep.

Now the kettle is warming again, and I will sip another cup of chai tea and rest beside the fire. Outside, the pines sway gently in the mountain breeze. Soon, the pups and I will head back out to our backyard paradise.

And as the fire crackled and the pines swayed outside the cabin, I realized that sometimes healing comes wrapped in mountain air, golden aspens, and two little dogs who never leave your side.

My Mini Me

For Mother’s Day, Leslie always surprises me with the most thoughtful presents, and this year, my daughter gave me the most amazing gift from a company called Storyworth. Once a week, the company sends me writing prompts. These prompts vary. Sometimes I will write stories about my life, or I can write narratives about my family. If I struggle with a prompt, I can choose a different one. The goal is to complete 52 tales by the end of the year. In turn, they will produce a family keepsake of our family tales. Last week’s prompt asked, “Who are the funniest people in your family?” So I decided to write about my grandchildren. I will share some of my comical stories about them.

Sierra Marie

When Mathew, Sierra, and Jessica lived in Poteau, Oklahoma, I often spent time with the family during school breaks. Summers were the hardest for me because I struggled with the hot, humid weather. It was miserable. After one wretchedly hot summer, I told Leslie, “I don’t know what you did to make God angry, but you need to fix it because you live in hell.” Leslie and the kids loved the area, so my sweet daughter just laughed at her mother’s outburst.

Several years later, after Leslie married Aaron and my family moved to Kremling, Colorado, I visited my family over Christmas. Some of my crew complained about the longest winter of their lives. The little town received an overabundance of snow that year, and everyone had cabin fever.

Of course, this gramma had to be onery and put in her two cents, so I told them my horror story about Poteau. My spunky Sierra, who was eleven years old at the time, delighted us all in her true sassy form. She simply stated, “Well, If Poteau was hell, then Kremmling is when hell freezes over.”

One of the best moments ever, for I realized my baby girl did not fall far from that family tree. She maintained that delightful DNA that was quick on its toes. At that moment, I knew my mama was smiling down from the heavens, enjoying her great-granddaughter’s wit and sarcasm.

It wasn’t long after that event when Leslie told me she was raising her mother. She also stated, “Sierra Marie s truly your ‘Mini Me.'”

I chuckled at that response.

Now when my feisty Sierra has pulled a good one, Leslie always begins with, “Oh, let me tell you what your Mini Me has done this time!”

Yep, some of my proudest grammie moments ever!

Sweet names

Daily writing prompt
What’s the story behind your nickname?

Well, I have four nicknames. When I was little, my dad called me imp. Click here to read that story. At times, when my mom was being extra sentimental, she would call me Annie. Most of my friends call me Annie too. And one of my all-time favorite nicknames has to be Honey. When my oldest grandson was about 15 months old, he started calling me Honey, and yes, my heart melted. Since that time, the name has stuck. All of my grandkids call me by that name, and I love it. My middle school kids call me Ms. B. And one year, some of my sixth-grade students asked what my grandchildren called me. Some of my kids asked if they could call me Miss Honey, and of course, I consented. A few combined the two and called me Ms. Honey B. Over the years, I have loved every single one of my nicknames, for each has a special meaning that I hold dear.

Photo by Meggyn Pomerleau on Unsplash

The Goun Girls’ GetAway

Daily writing prompt
What are your future travel plans?

Since sixth grade, I have been blessed with a dear friend and sister, Barbara Lesesne Medlock. We hit it off from day one when she broke an extra-large pencil over the head of Chipman Middle School’s biggest bully after he called her “Freckles.” This pint-sized tornado made her mark on her first day of school. And we have been the best of friends since sixth grade.

Over time, we became literal blood sisters after slicing open our thumbs one night. We slept out in my backyard. My dad had set up a camp stove and after a round of s’mores, we started yapping, and I am not sure who even brought up this idea of blood sisters for life, I just remember, going to the kitchen and finding a sharp knife. Once settled next to my friend, we each took a turn slicing our thumbs. Pushing our bleeding thumbs together, we made our oath, blood sisters for life.

We also called ourselves, “The Goun Girls.” I am not sure who came up with the name, but Barb came up with the spelling. The Goun Girls were inseparable, and after school, we had many adventures. We walked the shore along the Alameda coastline, writing our names and messages on the sand. We played under the pines at Crown Memorial State Beach. We were regulars at the nearby Woodstock Park and Washington Park, and of course, Ballena Bay Isle. We also rode our bikes all over the tiny island. We rode to distant parks and visited my grandparents, often stopping by for a cold glass of water before our adventures took us to new places.

In fact, once, we just about gave our parents a coronary when we decided to ride through the Posey Tunnel to Oakland. It was not one of our most brilliant moves since the tiny sidewalk and railing did not offer an opportunity to turn our bikes around. We were stuck and had to ride our bikes for almost two miles in the underwater tunnel. It was loud as cars zoomed through the underpass, and what was even worse was the smell of the auto exhaust! The emissions made me queasy, and I wasn’t sure if I would make it. At any moment, I thought I was going to lose my lunch!

We were never so happy to reach fresh air! Still, our eleven-year-old brains realized we had not made the wisest choice, and we knew we had better turn around and race through the passage one more time. When we came up for fresh air in Alameda, we breathed a sigh of relief. Seriously, we knew we could not tell a soul, and I thought the massive headache from the fumes should be punishment enough.

However, as it often transpires, parents discover their children’s lapses in judgment. Although this transgression occurred over fifty years ago, Barb’s mom discloses our misdeed with the same amount of shock and dismay to this very day. And I know if my mom were still alive, I would still receive a scolding even though Barb and I are now grandmothers! What a crazy and wonderful childhood we shared on that little island. And I am so pleased that we have remained friends for over fifty years

Oh, but where was I… travel plans…well, of course, my friend and I have made future plans. We have considered returning to Key West, Punta Gorda, Florida, or the Rocky Mountains of my home state. We also have our sites in faraway places like Italy, Quebec, and even our old stomping grounds in Alameda. But know this, we have learned our lesson. If we end up in Alameda, this time, we will not ride bikes through the tunnel. Promise, Mrs. L!

Hmm. I wonder. Thinking about our antics when we are together, is it still possible that two grown grannies can get grounded? Updates to follow!

A Little Distraction

Daily writing prompt
What do you listen to while you work?

When I am at work, I sometimes like to enjoy music. Still, the music genre depends on the current activity or lesson plan that requires my attention. If I have busy work, I like loud rock…Nickelback, Eagles, Lynyrd Skynyrd, to name a few. However, if I need to focus, I choose country or soft rock. I also enjoy listening to Christian music too. And now that I have been enjoying audible books, I often listen to books during my plan time.

Photo by Simon Noh on Unsplash