Max and Mitzi’s Guide to Human Training
Written by Max and Mitzi, professional dachshunds and household supervisors
Training a human takes patience, persistence, and excellent timing. Humans are sweet creatures, but they are easily distracted by laundry, schoolwork, phones, and other unimportant things.
That is why we have developed a simple four-step training method.
Step One: Stare.
Do not blink. Do not look away. Make direct eye contact until the human begins to feel emotionally responsible.
Step Two: Tilt Head.
This is where the magic begins. One small head tilt can undo years of human decision-making.
Step Three: Look Tragically Underfed.
Even if breakfast was served seven minutes ago, act as though you have not eaten since the pioneer days.
Step Four: Receive Snack.
At this point, the human should give in. If not, repeat steps one through three, adding a small sigh for dramatic effect.
Training may take time, but do not lose hope. With enough patience, any human can be taught to open the treat jar, share the blanket, and understand that one treat broken in half is still only one treat.
Sincerely,
Max and Mitzi
Small dogs. Big feelings. Strong opinions.