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The Muttley Crew Chronicles

Published on by Ann Marie BryantLeave a comment

The Dachshund Daily
Short news briefs from the world of Max and Mitzi

Breaking News:
Mom opened the refrigerator and did not offer cheese.

Trust in leadership is currently low.

Witnesses report that both dachshunds arrived at the kitchen within 1.7 seconds of hearing the refrigerator door open. Max stood alert. Mitzi assumed the official cheese-receiving position.

Despite these clear signals, Mom removed something called “lettuce” and closed the door.

The household is stunned.

Max has issued a statement: “This is not the service we expected.”

Mitzi added, “Lettuce is not cheese. Please update your records.”

A formal investigation is underway. The Muttley Crew is asking for transparency, accountability, and one small piece of cheddar to restore public confidence.

More updates as this story develops.

The Muttley Crew Chronicles

Published on by Ann Marie BryantLeave a comment

Fall News Break with Max and Mitzi

Breaking News:
Fall has been spotted in the neighborhood.

Witnesses report cooler mornings, crunchy leaves, mysterious breezes, and a sudden increase in Mom saying, “Isn’t this weather wonderful?”

Max and Mitzi arrived on the scene wearing serious expressions and hopeful snack faces.

Max confirmed that the air smells better in fall, especially when leaves, fireplaces, and possible treats are involved.

Mitzi added that blanket season has officially begun, and all soft blankets are now considered dachshund property.

The Muttley Crew would also like to announce that fall walks are superior to summer walks because no one melts, pants dramatically, or tries to hide in the shade after seven steps.

Current forecast: crisp air, cozy naps, pumpkin decorations, and a 100% chance of Mom being happier.

More updates will be provided as soon as someone opens the treat jar or says the word “walk.”

The Muttley Crew Chronicles

Published on by Ann Marie BryantLeave a comment

Max and Mitzi’s Rules for Life
Tiny dog wisdom from the Muttley Crew

Rule #1: If Mom stands up, follow her. She may be going to the kitchen.

Rule #2: If Mom says, “I’ll be right back,” do not believe her. Escort her personally.

Rule #3: If a blanket exists, burrow under it. If Mom is using it, burrow harder.

Rule #4: If someone opens the refrigerator, report to duty immediately.

Rule #5: A treat broken in half is still one treat. We cannot stress this enough.

Rule #6: If Mom is trying to work, sit on her lap. She clearly needs supervision.

Rule #7: Bark first. Ask questions never.

Rule #8: If you hear a crinkle, assume it is snacks until proven otherwise.

Rule #9: The best seat in the house is wherever Mom was about to sit.

Rule #10: When life gets hard, find a blanket, demand cheese, and look tragically underfed.

Sincerely,
Max and Mitzi
Small dogs. Big feelings. Strong opinions.

The Muttley Crew Chronicles

Published on by Ann Marie BryantLeave a comment

Things My Dogs Would Put on Yelp
Review by Max and Mitzi

The Vet’s Office
⭐️

Suspicious smells. Cold table. No snacks waiting at the door.

We entered with hope in our hearts and left with questions.

The staff was friendly, and one very nice lady did call Max handsome, so we are willing to add half a star in our hearts, but not on the official review.

Mitzi did enjoy the cuddles and personal attention. She found the soft voices comforting and appreciated being treated like the delicate queen she is.

However, we would like the record to show that we absolutely did not like the vaccines. Not even a little. We were brave, of course, but we would have preferred cheese, applause, and a formal written apology.

Max would also like it noted that certain procedures were highly unnecessary and deeply personal; he specifically did not like having his temperature taken.

Our biggest complaint: everyone kept saying, “You’re doing so good,” but no one followed that statement with a cheeseburger.

Final rating: One star. Would not recommend, unless you enjoy being weighed, inspected, complimented, vaccinated, and betrayed in the same building.

Sincerely,
Max and Mitzi
Small dogs. Big feelings. Strong opinions.

The Muttley Crew Chronicles

Published on by Ann Marie BryantLeave a comment

We recently visited Big R, a magical place where the aisles smell like adventure, snacks, and things we are not allowed to chew.

The toy selection was impressive. There were ropes, squeaky things, fluffy things, and several items we believe were placed at nose level specifically for us.

The treat aisle was the true highlight. We conducted a full inspection using approved dachshund methods: sniffing, staring, tail wagging, and attempting to look deeply neglected.

Mom said, “You don’t need another toy.”

We respectfully disagree.

Our only complaint: too many treats were left on the shelves instead of being placed directly into Mom’s cart.

Final rating: Five paws up. Would gladly return with a larger shopping cart and fewer human restrictions.

Sincerely,
Max and Mitzi
Small dogs. Big feelings. Strong opinions.

The Muttley Crew Chronicles

Published on by Ann Marie BryantLeave a comment

The Treat Jar Investigation
An official Muttley Crew Report

After careful sniffing, staring, and one dramatic sigh, we have concluded that the treat jar is being unfairly withheld from the public.

Mom has been named a person of interest.

At approximately 9:03 this morning, Mom walked past the treat jar without opening it. This suspicious behavior was witnessed by both Max and Mitzi, who immediately launched an investigation.

Evidence collected includes:

The jar was clearly visible.
The lid was closed.
No treats were distributed.
Mom claimed, “You just had one.”
This statement could not be confirmed by independent dachshund sources.

Max performed a full inspection of the kitchen floor, while Mitzi conducted emotional surveillance from the couch. Both investigators agree that the situation is serious.

The Muttley Crew is now demanding answers, justice, and at least one small snack while the investigation continues.

Breaking news will resume as soon as Mom wanders within treat-jar distance.

The Muttley Crew Chronicles

Published on by Ann Marie BryantLeave a comment

Dear Max and Mitzi,

How do I handle stress?

Sincerely,
A Tired Human

Dear Tired Human,

First, bark at it.

Not forever. Just enough to let stress know you are aware of its presence and deeply unimpressed.

Second, find a blanket. Preferably a soft one, recently washed, and already claimed by someone else. Burrow under it until the world becomes quieter.

Third, take a nap. A good nap solves many things, including bad moods, loud noises, and the tragic realization that dinner is still two hours away.

And finally, if all else fails, demand cheese.

Stress may be persistent, but so are dachshunds.

Sincerely,
Max and Mitzi
Small dogs. Big feelings. Strong opinions.

The Muttley Crew Chronicles

Published on by Ann Marie BryantLeave a comment

The Muttley Crew Weather Report
With Max and Mitzi, your trusted snack-and-nap forecasters

Today’s forecast: too hot, too windy, and not enough snacks.
Chance of naps: 100%.
Chance of barking at nothing: also 100%.
Snack advisory remains in effect until further notice.

Good morning from the Muttley Crew Weather Center, where conditions are being closely monitored from the couch, the blanket pile, and anywhere Mom might be hiding snacks.

We are seeing a strong chance of dramatic sighing by midmorning, followed by scattered barking if a squirrel enters the area. By afternoon, conditions should improve slightly with a 100% chance of naps, preferably under a blanket, next to Mom, or directly on top of clean laundry.

Evening outlook: mild temperatures, increased begging near the kitchen, and possible zoomies after dinner.

Snack advisory remains in effect until further notice.

This has been Max and Mitzi with The Muttley Crew Weather Report.

Back to you, Mom.

The Muttley Crew Chronicles

Published on by Ann Marie Bryant2 Comments

Max and Mitzi’s Guide to Human Training
Written by Max and Mitzi, professional dachshunds and household supervisors

Training a human takes patience, persistence, and excellent timing. Humans are sweet creatures, but they are easily distracted by laundry, schoolwork, phones, and other unimportant things.

That is why we have developed a simple four-step training method.

Step One: Stare.
Do not blink. Do not look away. Make direct eye contact until the human begins to feel emotionally responsible.

Step Two: Tilt Head.
This is where the magic begins. One small head tilt can undo years of human decision-making.

Step Three: Look Tragically Underfed.
Even if breakfast was served seven minutes ago, act as though you have not eaten since the pioneer days.

Step Four: Receive Snack.
At this point, the human should give in. If not, repeat steps one through three, adding a small sigh for dramatic effect.

Training may take time, but do not lose hope. With enough patience, any human can be taught to open the treat jar, share the blanket, and understand that one treat broken in half is still only one treat.

Sincerely,
Max and Mitzi
Small dogs. Big feelings. Strong opinions.

The Muttley Crew Chronicles

Published on by Ann Marie BryantLeave a comment

Dairy Queen Drive-Thru
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

We recently visited a fine dining establishment called Dairy Queen, where the humans speak into a mysterious box and then treats magically appear through a window.

Excellent service. Very promising smells. The line was a little long, but Max kept watch, Mitzi monitored the window, and Mom tried to pretend she was in charge.

The pup cups were small, but delicious. We would like to suggest a larger serving size, perhaps served in a cereal bowl or directly from the machine.

Our only complaint: Mom kept saying, “Ones’s enough,” which is not a phrase we recognize in dachshund culture.

Final rating: Five paws up. Would bark in the drive-thru again.