The Muttley Crew Chronicles

The Treat Jar Investigation
An official Muttley Crew Report

After careful sniffing, staring, and one dramatic sigh, we have concluded that the treat jar is being unfairly withheld from the public.

Mom has been named a person of interest.

At approximately 9:03 this morning, Mom walked past the treat jar without opening it. This suspicious behavior was witnessed by both Max and Mitzi, who immediately launched an investigation.

Evidence collected includes:

The jar was clearly visible.
The lid was closed.
No treats were distributed.
Mom claimed, “You just had one.”
This statement could not be confirmed by independent dachshund sources.

Max performed a full inspection of the kitchen floor, while Mitzi conducted emotional surveillance from the couch. Both investigators agree that the situation is serious.

The Muttley Crew is now demanding answers, justice, and at least one small snack while the investigation continues.

Breaking news will resume as soon as Mom wanders within treat-jar distance.

My Muttley Crew

Max is the adventurous explorer. He wants to be on his leash, investigating everything and greeting everyone. He is also the mighty hunter of the family; he sometimes brings home very unwanted “treasures.”

Mitzi is the affectionate little diva. She is content riding quietly in a purse, loves cuddles, showers everyone with kisses, and throws a dramatic temper tantrum if her share of chicken arrives late.

Together, they are the Muttley Crew. They are 11-year-old cuddlebugs and troublemakers who dislike being separated, love mountain adventures, enjoy sleeping with Mom or beside the sunny patio door, and know exactly when the car is approaching Dairy Queen because pup cups are expected!

The Muttley Crew Chronicles

Dear Max and Mitzi,

How do I handle stress?

Sincerely,
A Tired Human

Dear Tired Human,

First, bark at it.

Not forever. Just enough to let stress know you are aware of its presence and deeply unimpressed.

Second, find a blanket. Preferably a soft one, recently washed, and already claimed by someone else. Burrow under it until the world becomes quieter.

Third, take a nap. A good nap solves many things, including bad moods, loud noises, and the tragic realization that dinner is still two hours away.

And finally, if all else fails, demand cheese.

Stress may be persistent, but so are dachshunds.

Sincerely,
Max and Mitzi
Small dogs. Big feelings. Strong opinions.

The Muttley Crew Chronicles

The Muttley Crew Weather Report
With Max and Mitzi, your trusted snack-and-nap forecasters

Today’s forecast: too hot, too windy, and not enough snacks.
Chance of naps: 100%.
Chance of barking at nothing: also 100%.
Snack advisory remains in effect until further notice.

Good morning from the Muttley Crew Weather Center, where conditions are being closely monitored from the couch, the blanket pile, and anywhere Mom might be hiding snacks.

We are seeing a strong chance of dramatic sighing by midmorning, followed by scattered barking if a squirrel enters the area. By afternoon, conditions should improve slightly with a 100% chance of naps, preferably under a blanket, next to Mom, or directly on top of clean laundry.

Evening outlook: mild temperatures, increased begging near the kitchen, and possible zoomies after dinner.

Snack advisory remains in effect until further notice.

This has been Max and Mitzi with The Muttley Crew Weather Report.

Back to you, Mom.

The Muttley Crew Chronicles

Max and Mitzi’s Guide to Human Training
Written by Max and Mitzi, professional dachshunds and household supervisors

Training a human takes patience, persistence, and excellent timing. Humans are sweet creatures, but they are easily distracted by laundry, schoolwork, phones, and other unimportant things.

That is why we have developed a simple four-step training method.

Step One: Stare.
Do not blink. Do not look away. Make direct eye contact until the human begins to feel emotionally responsible.

Step Two: Tilt Head.
This is where the magic begins. One small head tilt can undo years of human decision-making.

Step Three: Look Tragically Underfed.
Even if breakfast was served seven minutes ago, act as though you have not eaten since the pioneer days.

Step Four: Receive Snack.
At this point, the human should give in. If not, repeat steps one through three, adding a small sigh for dramatic effect.

Training may take time, but do not lose hope. With enough patience, any human can be taught to open the treat jar, share the blanket, and understand that one treat broken in half is still only one treat.

Sincerely,
Max and Mitzi
Small dogs. Big feelings. Strong opinions.

The Muttley Crew Chronicles

Dairy Queen Drive-Thru
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

We recently visited a fine dining establishment called Dairy Queen, where the humans speak into a mysterious box and then treats magically appear through a window.

Excellent service. Very promising smells. The line was a little long, but Max kept watch, Mitzi monitored the window, and Mom tried to pretend she was in charge.

The pup cups were small, but delicious. We would like to suggest a larger serving size, perhaps served in a cereal bowl or directly from the machine.

Our only complaint: Mom kept saying, “Ones’s enough,” which is not a phrase we recognize in dachshund culture.

Final rating: Five paws up. Would bark in the drive-thru again.

The Muttley Crew Chronicles

The Muttley Crew News Desk

Breaking News: One treat was broken in half today. Management claims this counts as two treats.

Max and Mitzi strongly disagree.

Representatives for the dachshund community have issued a formal complaint, stating that “half a treat is not a whole treat, no matter how confidently the human explains it.”

Negotiations are ongoing.

More at 6, unless someone opens the cheese drawer.

Cameron and The Kissing Bandit

One summer, I was on my way to visit my family after my daughter invited me to come up for a visit in her little mountain town. It was about a four-hour-long drive, and my dogs loved road trips as much as I loved visiting my grandkids.

My Muttley Crew settled into my Chevy HHR like seasoned travelers, tiny bodies tucked into their favorite spots, noses pointed towards the windows. It was fun to watch the pair take in the views as the scenery slowly changed from dry open plains to rolling hills to beautiful mountain vistas that made you forget how long you had been sitting in the car.

By the time we reached Fairplay, I wanted nothing more than to stretch my legs and then grab some lunch. After walking around the little town a bit, we stopped at a local cafe.  Since Max and Mitzi were small enough, I stuffed them into a tiny carrier that looked like a purse, stood in line, and ordered a chicken sandwich and an iced tea.

Now, Mitzi loved riding quietly in the purse. She was perfectly content to sit there like a tiny queen, waiting for her lunch to be served. Max, on the other hand, never quite got used to the cramped quarters. In his mind, he should be on his leash, out in the world, greeting people, sniffing old wooden floors, and inspecting every corner of the tiny restaurant. 

As his patience grew thin, my unhappy dachshund began to squirm and whine, grumbling about his latest predicament, and betraying my covert operation. Customers turned to look, and the staff smiled. Before long, everyone wanted a peek at whatever was making noise inside my purse.

When I unzipped a small opening, two little faces peeked out of the purse. The cafe filled with laughter, and from that moment on, I received the gold standard of service. 

Once I settled on the outside patio, where dogs were welcome, the staff brought my lunch, a bowl of water, and even some turkey for my babies. The little town was busy that day, and people kept stopping by to pet my mini dachshunds. And of course, my puppies soaked up every bit of the attention and paid for it with wagging tails and endless kisses.

After lunch, we headed back to the car. I was more than ready to get up the mountain and see my family. Max and Mitzi could feel the excitement too, and they quickly settled and watched from their favorite perches.

We steadily climbed Hoosier Pass, where the pines grew thicker, the air turned crisp, and the mountains opened wide to a staggering view. My breath caught. Peaks rose in the distance, the valley stretched below, and the Blue River flashed in the sunlight.

From there, the road wound down the mountain towards the town of Breckinridge, then on through Frisco and Silverthorne. The towns were busy, the traffic was slow, and I was impatient to be on my way. The pups, however, watched and whined at every passing car, every stroller, every cyclist, and every tourist as if they were personally responsible for greeting the entire state of Colorado.

After leaving Silverthorne behind, the radio faded in and out, and I shoved an Eagles CD into the player and let music fill the car. The landscape changed again, growing drier and more open. Even though I was only about 40 miles away, that last stretch always felt like the longest.  Maybe it was because I missed the pines, or maybe it was because I could hardly wait to hold my grandbabies.

By the time I rolled into town, Max and Mitzi were wide awake and bouncing with excitement. As soon as I turned off the main street and onto the back roads, they began whining and barking as they always did when they knew we were close.

I pulled into the driveway, and before I could even gather my bags, the grandkids came running out, happy to see me, and even happier to welcome my dogs. There was just something special about arriving at a house full of family where the doors open before you even knock, and the people you love rush out to greet you.

Before long, the bags were inside, the dogs had made their joyful rounds, and the first rush of greetings had settled into the comfortable noise of family as everyone talked at once. I sank down on the couch, happy to finally be there. Mitzi, never one to shy away from attention, hopped up beside me and made herself at home.

Cameron sat beside me, eager to hold my little dog. Mitzi was ecstatic, wiggling, bouncing, and giving kisses as fast as she could. Cameron laughed so hard and turned his face away. But Mitziei was determined. Every time he moved, she followed, her tiny tail wagging as she tried to sneak in just one more kiss.

As Cameron continued to laugh, Mitzi’s tongue darted into his mouth. Everyone in the room froze as they witnessed Cameron’s surprise. But in no time, he started laughing, and without missing a beat, my grandson delivered the perfect one-liner, “ Great, my first French kiss was with Honey’s dog, Mitzi!”

The room exploded in laughter. My daughter, Leslie, shivered in disgust at the thought. And Mitzi, oblivious to what just took place, continued to wiggle and bounce from grandchild to grandchild, hoping to sneak in just one more kiss.

On that day, Cameron may not have appreciated Mitzi’s overly affectionate greeting, but his quick response made the day unforgettable, a moment that would be retold at family gatherings for years to come. Sweet little Mitzi always loved the grandkids, but on that particular day, she apparently decided Cameron needed the deluxe dachshund welcome package, no warning, no manners, and way too much love!