Tag: life with dogs

The Muttley Crew Chronicles

Published on by Ann Marie Bryant1 Comment

Complaint:
The bowl was empty for nearly seven minutes. Emotional damages are obvious.

At approximately 4:42 p.m., the plaintiffs approached the food bowl and discovered a shocking lack of dinner.

Max immediately alerted the household by standing beside the bowl and staring at Mom with deep disappointment.

Mitzi joined the case by pacing dramatically and checking the bowl from several angles, just in case food had appeared while no one was looking.

Finally, Mitzi moved into action, flipping the bowl over to grab Mom’s attention.

The defense claims dinner was not technically late.

The plaintiffs disagree.

Seven minutes in dachshund time is equal to three years, two winters, and one abandoned hope.

Requested Settlement:
Immediate dinner, one apology treat, and a written promise that this injustice will never happen again.

Final Ruling:
The court finds in favor of Max and Mitzi.

Sentence: Mom must fill the bowl and provide compensation in the form of snacks.

Court is adjourned.

The Muttley Crew Chronicles

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Max and Mitzi’s Rules for Life
Tiny dog wisdom from the Muttley Crew

Rule #1: If Mom stands up, follow her. She may be going to the kitchen.

Rule #2: If Mom says, “I’ll be right back,” do not believe her. Escort her personally.

Rule #3: If a blanket exists, burrow under it. If Mom is using it, burrow harder.

Rule #4: If someone opens the refrigerator, report to duty immediately.

Rule #5: A treat broken in half is still one treat. We cannot stress this enough.

Rule #6: If Mom is trying to work, sit on her lap. She clearly needs supervision.

Rule #7: Bark first. Ask questions never.

Rule #8: If you hear a crinkle, assume it is snacks until proven otherwise.

Rule #9: The best seat in the house is wherever Mom was about to sit.

Rule #10: When life gets hard, find a blanket, demand cheese, and look tragically underfed.

Sincerely,
Max and Mitzi
Small dogs. Big feelings. Strong opinions.

The Muttley Crew Chronicles

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Things My Dogs Would Put on Yelp
Review by Max and Mitzi

The Vet’s Office
⭐️

Suspicious smells. Cold table. No snacks waiting at the door.

We entered with hope in our hearts and left with questions.

The staff was friendly, and one very nice lady did call Max handsome, so we are willing to add half a star in our hearts, but not on the official review.

Mitzi did enjoy the cuddles and personal attention. She found the soft voices comforting and appreciated being treated like the delicate queen she is.

However, we would like the record to show that we absolutely did not like the vaccines. Not even a little. We were brave, of course, but we would have preferred cheese, applause, and a formal written apology.

Max would also like it noted that certain procedures were highly unnecessary and deeply personal; he specifically did not like having his temperature taken.

Our biggest complaint: everyone kept saying, “You’re doing so good,” but no one followed that statement with a cheeseburger.

Final rating: One star. Would not recommend, unless you enjoy being weighed, inspected, complimented, vaccinated, and betrayed in the same building.

Sincerely,
Max and Mitzi
Small dogs. Big feelings. Strong opinions.

The Muttley Crew Chronicles

Published on by Ann Marie Bryant2 Comments

Pupdate: Guess who started walking last night!

She may still be a little wobbly on her feet, but there is no more scooting along. She is walking, wiggling, and wagging her tail again!

It may be small steps, but to us, it feels like a miracle. Max and I are so proud of our brave little girl. Mitzi is on the mend.

The Muttley Crew Chronicles

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We recently visited Big R, a magical place where the aisles smell like adventure, snacks, and things we are not allowed to chew.

The toy selection was impressive. There were ropes, squeaky things, fluffy things, and several items we believe were placed at nose level specifically for us.

The treat aisle was the true highlight. We conducted a full inspection using approved dachshund methods: sniffing, staring, tail wagging, and attempting to look deeply neglected.

Mom said, “You don’t need another toy.”

We respectfully disagree.

Our only complaint: too many treats were left on the shelves instead of being placed directly into Mom’s cart.

Final rating: Five paws up. Would gladly return with a larger shopping cart and fewer human restrictions.

Sincerely,
Max and Mitzi
Small dogs. Big feelings. Strong opinions.

The Muttley Crew Chronicles

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The Treat Jar Investigation
An official Muttley Crew Report

After careful sniffing, staring, and one dramatic sigh, we have concluded that the treat jar is being unfairly withheld from the public.

Mom has been named a person of interest.

At approximately 9:03 this morning, Mom walked past the treat jar without opening it. This suspicious behavior was witnessed by both Max and Mitzi, who immediately launched an investigation.

Evidence collected includes:

The jar was clearly visible.
The lid was closed.
No treats were distributed.
Mom claimed, “You just had one.”
This statement could not be confirmed by independent dachshund sources.

Max performed a full inspection of the kitchen floor, while Mitzi conducted emotional surveillance from the couch. Both investigators agree that the situation is serious.

The Muttley Crew is now demanding answers, justice, and at least one small snack while the investigation continues.

Breaking news will resume as soon as Mom wanders within treat-jar distance.

The Muttley Crew Chronicles

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Dear Max and Mitzi,

How do I handle stress?

Sincerely,
A Tired Human

Dear Tired Human,

First, bark at it.

Not forever. Just enough to let stress know you are aware of its presence and deeply unimpressed.

Second, find a blanket. Preferably a soft one, recently washed, and already claimed by someone else. Burrow under it until the world becomes quieter.

Third, take a nap. A good nap solves many things, including bad moods, loud noises, and the tragic realization that dinner is still two hours away.

And finally, if all else fails, demand cheese.

Stress may be persistent, but so are dachshunds.

Sincerely,
Max and Mitzi
Small dogs. Big feelings. Strong opinions.

The Muttley Crew Chronicles

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The Muttley Crew Weather Report
With Max and Mitzi, your trusted snack-and-nap forecasters

Today’s forecast: too hot, too windy, and not enough snacks.
Chance of naps: 100%.
Chance of barking at nothing: also 100%.
Snack advisory remains in effect until further notice.

Good morning from the Muttley Crew Weather Center, where conditions are being closely monitored from the couch, the blanket pile, and anywhere Mom might be hiding snacks.

We are seeing a strong chance of dramatic sighing by midmorning, followed by scattered barking if a squirrel enters the area. By afternoon, conditions should improve slightly with a 100% chance of naps, preferably under a blanket, next to Mom, or directly on top of clean laundry.

Evening outlook: mild temperatures, increased begging near the kitchen, and possible zoomies after dinner.

Snack advisory remains in effect until further notice.

This has been Max and Mitzi with The Muttley Crew Weather Report.

Back to you, Mom.

The Muttley Crew Chronicles

Published on by Ann Marie Bryant2 Comments

Max and Mitzi’s Guide to Human Training
Written by Max and Mitzi, professional dachshunds and household supervisors

Training a human takes patience, persistence, and excellent timing. Humans are sweet creatures, but they are easily distracted by laundry, schoolwork, phones, and other unimportant things.

That is why we have developed a simple four-step training method.

Step One: Stare.
Do not blink. Do not look away. Make direct eye contact until the human begins to feel emotionally responsible.

Step Two: Tilt Head.
This is where the magic begins. One small head tilt can undo years of human decision-making.

Step Three: Look Tragically Underfed.
Even if breakfast was served seven minutes ago, act as though you have not eaten since the pioneer days.

Step Four: Receive Snack.
At this point, the human should give in. If not, repeat steps one through three, adding a small sigh for dramatic effect.

Training may take time, but do not lose hope. With enough patience, any human can be taught to open the treat jar, share the blanket, and understand that one treat broken in half is still only one treat.

Sincerely,
Max and Mitzi
Small dogs. Big feelings. Strong opinions.

The Muttley Crew Chronicles

Published on by Ann Marie BryantLeave a comment

Dairy Queen Drive-Thru
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

We recently visited a fine dining establishment called Dairy Queen, where the humans speak into a mysterious box and then treats magically appear through a window.

Excellent service. Very promising smells. The line was a little long, but Max kept watch, Mitzi monitored the window, and Mom tried to pretend she was in charge.

The pup cups were small, but delicious. We would like to suggest a larger serving size, perhaps served in a cereal bowl or directly from the machine.

Our only complaint: Mom kept saying, “Ones’s enough,” which is not a phrase we recognize in dachshund culture.

Final rating: Five paws up. Would bark in the drive-thru again.